Sometimes I think, “I should be a little nicer” but…why screw with perfection?
I was high on ‘Pixie Sticks’ and ‘Tab’…
The next time I say, ‘Hey Im going to check out the White Horse in Oakland!’ someone please, just punch me in the face :-/
Sometimes when I feel bad about myself I look in the mirror and say, “you’re a good person”… Then I turn that mirror on its side and do two lines off of it and say, “You’re a F’ing GREAT Person!!!!!!”
I notice a lot of comedians are from Wisconsin, I guess everyone seems funny when you’re drunk…
Regarding the ButtCrack Photos sent to me. I cant decide which is better-That you all still remember Im collecting ButtCrack Photos, or that when you see Crack, you think of me…
“free credit scores, including your TransRisk Score”… I cant help but think this is my risk of becoming a Tranny?
I dont’ have a drinking problem, but I definitely have a problem NOT drinking….
Why I won’t go on the “Tower of Terror”. I won’t ride the “Tower of Terror” because I know I’m going to have a heart attack on it. And if I’m going to have a heart attack and die, I’d rather not sh*t my pants before it happens.…
I was crammed on the MUNI so hard today, I’m pretty sure 2 people got to second base wit
I have several ‘FB friends’ who have started Drunk IM’ing me late at night, then wake up and apologize the next day. Don’t be silly.. Im flattered that when you’re out of your mind- you still think of me
You know how they say, “Happiness is the best Revenge”? I disagree, I think punching people is the best revenge….
Mondays are alot like Jody Fosters GG’s speech … I’m confused at first, then I say to myself, ‘we’ll get through this- its almost over’…
No One knows how to drive a CART here! NO ONE!!! In related news…just got run over by an Old Asian Lady in track shoes on her way to Sample Cart….
Regarding the Mayan’s who fucked my December of 2012 plans up: Well that’s just great! We didn’t all Die… NOW what do I do??!!
1st – ‘Umbrella’, then ‘Cake’, now ‘Diamonds’! Rihanna You’re ruining the American Language for me… 1 word at a time !
Watching ‘obesity and 7 keys to wellness’ on PBS- while I eat cold Pizza left over from last night…
Gone are the days of walking through my kitchen naked- now that the vacant apt building has workers in it, this morning was their best workday ever!!
LGBTQIA: “Asking who is the “man” and who is the “woman” in a lesbian or gay relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork.”
Watching the London closing ceremonies made me feel like a Russian Gymnast: I cryed alot, and feared for my future.
A ‘like’ page for Mitt Romney just showed up in my newsfeed with 3 of my friends supporting it – FB asking me to join them in support. I feel like my Facebook Feed needs to be disinfected, and now I need ‘Silkwood’ shower!
I just found out that there is a guy, with no legs, racing in the Olympics. Man, even people with no legs run faster than me.
Regarding my FB profile pic: My father didnt get what that was. I had to tell him, ‘dad, its a huge stuffed animal Penis’ he looked closer and squinted… Then just shook his head… Im not sure if he was horrified, or not surprised at all. Either way no daughter should ever have to have that conversation with her dad….
I had JURY DUTY today in SF, and I am NOT kidding you when I say….I sat between “GOT WONG”? and “JOHN WANG” …. true story
I drank so much last night, I can ring my liver out and make you a mojito…
Rolling your eyes, doesn’t intimidate me, I have a wife who’s been doing that for years !
Teacher said, ‘Are you ok? you look confused.’ I said, ‘no…that’s just my face’
Tomorrow I’ve been called to Jury Duty. I must be unbiased and subdue my opinions and judgements till all the facts have been presented! Im thinkin I’ll be home by about 8:30 am.
Maybe I can ‘Fake Marry’ Tom Cruise next, since neither him or I can legally marry who we want in California…
You ‘ll be able to find me in Dolores Park..Im next to the Lesbians…
I have done things for my dog, in public today, that are NOT for the squeamish….
Some crazy guy just yelled to me, “Im on to yoooou”! really? I must be up to something really good
Seems like I just got back from LA pride. Now SF Pride..being gay is ALOT of work !
Wayne, 76 years old. sang me songs in Chinese on Muni, then walked ne to the dentist. Cutest man ever. I’m not sure.. but I think we’re dating now…
reasons I love Wisconsin. 1-bar provides a shuttle bus to and from other bars (no reason, just because) 2- bar makes sure you have a full beer before leaving (in a to-go cup) 3- everyone thinks its weird, that I think this is weird ?!
Music super loud. cashier said, ‘chimay?’ and I yelled, ‘Rachel’!!! just as music ended.. “oh wait, you didn’t say ‘whats your name?’, you said ‘Chimay’… awkward”
nothing pisses me off more than being forced to listen to ‘KOIT Light Rock’ when Im already pissed…
This is a picture of your dogs butt….cause he wont stay still long enough for a picture…
8th grade graduation. packed in like freakin’ sardines. Just made man next to me uncomfotable by asking him if I could sit on his lap to give him more room…
I only know how to use 75% of every thing I own!! The other 25% must be whats keeping me from being rich and famous.
I’ve been just been published, lost 42 lbs., and cut off all my hair so… been a busy week.
You don’t need friends to go out and play, you can play with yourself ! wait…
a woman taking out her garbage just threw an acorn at my head. when i looked at her like ‘ WTF?’ she asked me ‘if i had a problem?’ really? acorn whore? really?!??!
Waiting to see my counselor and ‘crazy’ is playing on the office stereo! ha! awesome.
Jeez, I could be so rich…if only I was just a little bit smarter…. I need to find a really smart person to follow me around and take notes.
I got called a MILF on the way to work today, which is weird because I don’t have children BUT…. at least they still think I’m SEXY !!
my train Finally comes and the only space is being taken up by a boy with a gigantic TUBA strapped to his back !! really tuba freak???!! really?! — at Van Ness Muni Station.
Thanks to my Space Mountain photo, I now know exactly what I look like when I think I’m going to Die!
Guy next to me is totally picking his nose WITH g/f in the car!!!! Thats when you know its Over !!!
I am in love with Zac Efron! and he is like 17 ! I am a terrible Cougar, Lesbian, person …
The Gill family has agreed to let me cook the Turkey this year….I didn’t realize what a mess it would be, I started out Rachael Ray and ended up Amy Winehouse….