Crowd Pleaser

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Homeless Headbutter

The story you have been waiting for…..

ok after the movies (Knocked Up is the funniest movie in the world) Nayna and I go to CAV wine bar on Market Street late Friday night. On the way I confessed to her that I was really craving a “vanilla” cigarette and forced her to stop at the tobacco store on the way to the wine bar. She begrudgingly did so and suffered through my smoking on the way to the wine bar :-)

We arrive at CAV at about 11:30pm and it is pretty desolate. Just Nayna and me, who sat at the bar. maybe 5 others in the whole place. We ordered wine, and appetizers, and talked, and laughed, and Nayna tried to feel me up ! Just kidding Nayna…I wanted to see if you were still paying attention.

So after about an hour or so I excuse myself and tell Nayna I am going to step outside for just a minute and have a ‘vanilla’. Ask her if she will be ok alone at the bar by herself and ask her to stay out of trouble while I am gone…she laughs.

I go outside by myself, empty street, no pedestrians or traffic. Its a bit odd for Market Street. I lit my cigarette. I turn away from the street to look at the CAV menu on the wall and hear the sound of squeaky wheels coming up the sidewalk. I ignore it. and ignore it….but it is getting closer and closer to me.

So I turn to the side out of curiosity…

and find a 60 something year old man with his crusty baseball hat on backwards, using a metal walker. He has a half, unlit, cigarette hanging out of his toothless mouth. I find him a bit amusing, smirk, and turn away from him. He snarls at me “hey got any change?”

I say “no” and smile and turn away again. He says, “HEY do you have any change?”. I say, “NO but I have a light for your cigarette if you need one”. He spits, and grunts, and yells “I DON’T NEED A F*King LIGHT YOU B*TCH, I ASKED FOR CHANGE!!!”.

I realize now that it is time to stop being nice as he bares his gums to me and growls. So then the Italian comes out in me and I turn so that I am fully facing him and say, “LIKE ! I ! SAID ! …. I HAVE NOTHING WITH ME BUT THIS Cigarette, NO CHANGE, NO PURSE, Nothing with me. got it dude?”

He begins to push his walker passed me, and continue scooting down the street. I am assuming he has given up on me…. so I turn away from him.

All of a sudden something Thumps the back of my HEAD and my head JOLTS FORWARD. I do a 180 and turn and say. “YOU LITTLE PR*CK ! DID YOU JUST HEAD BUTT ME?????”

he replies, “Yes and *that’s* what you get” I said, “NO YOU DI’INT you little F*ker, I can’t believe you just did that?!?!?!” Then I was overcome by how weird my life is and how random it is to get head butted by a toothless, homeless man in a walker and I just lost it…….I started laughing hysterically. Laughing so hard, I had to double over, I was crying.

This made him even angrier and he started walking his walker fast as he could down the street away from me and yelling “HA. HA. HA. you B*TCH” Truthfully I am pretty sure he thought I was mental at this point and he was trying to get away from ME…..

So of course I ran into CAV and grabbed Nayna to pull her out onto Market Street and show her the “homeless head butt-er” and we continued to laugh and I rein-acted the whole thing to her on Market Street. As he power walked his squeaky wheeled walker further down the street. “Ya, ha. ha. ha… you b*tches !”

Good times.

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